What We All Want In A Relationship
What We All Want In A Relationship Love is a complicated process. At the first hint of finding the perfect woman, men go into an excited, passionate obsession— a feeling like floating on air, or speeding through a fascinating tunnel, with no need for food, drink, or rest. The men become blind to all imperfections in the women. They “put their partner on a pedestal” envisioning her as perfect. Their passion also makes the men’s emotions extremely sensitive to the women. Minor words or deeds on the part of the women will produce euphoria or depression in the men.
Once a man establishes a stable relationship with a woman, things go “back to normal.” The man acts considerably less “romantic.” He has established his emotional security blanket so there seems to be no need for further action. If, while the man is still in love, the woman rejects him, he will experience a painful and depressing heartbreak, and then fall bitterly out of love in about two years. If, while the man is in love, the woman moves away or is otherwise taken from him, the man will never truly fall out of love, and his grief may last for years. If the relationship lasts, then in about four years the man will naturally “fall out of love.” Then his hormonal levels will go back to normal, and the relationship will depend more on long-term mutual feelings than on “magic” or passion. That’s why people make public marriage vows- – to bolster the relationship, knowing that the feeling of being in love will one day fade.
Marriage is forever; it’s not just until the feeling is gone.
For women, on the other hand, love is a much more material and logical process. Based on height, status, physical attraction, and financial security, women select a partner from a batch of available suitors. Women do fall in love, but not to the same degree, not with the single minded obsession that men do. They hope that the partner will supply them with status within the community, enough material wealth for a reasonable standard of living, and support (usually financial) for the children. The women also seek control over the men, using intimacy as leverage, instead of controlling by physical power.
Personally, I think men need to be more understanding of women; men need to share more of their power with women, instead of being macho, patronizing, overly chivalrous, and pedestalizing. On the other hand, I also think women need to understand that men are emotionally much more sensitive than women. Thus, it is much more humane to be firm and break a man’s heart early than to let him get his hopes up only to waste away in anguish or vindictiveness. Because women control intimacy, they need to realize the extraordinary emotional power they have over men– and that with this power comes a responsibility to steer men in the right direction.
The game of love is a lot more complicated than sex. Do men only want one thing- – sex? No. If it were true that men only wanted one thing, then all men would be visiting prostitutes. Do all women want one thing– sex? If that were true then all women would be visiting gigolos. Men and women are two completely different creatures that must come together in a relationship.
In The Canterbury Tales, (specifically “The Wife of Bath”) Chaucer implies that what women want is power over men. The reason why some girls at dance clubs dress inattractive outfits yet don’t dance with anyone (instead, they reject all the men who ask) is because they like the feeling of power that goes along with beauty. They want to feel like princesses. The reason why my old roommate Samantha accepted gifts, dinner invitations, and theater dates from men whom she had no intention of ever loving was to stoke her ego, and to feed her curiosity. She never loved these guys; she saw them more like a fan club. After all, people shower celebrities with dinners and gifts, and the celebrities feel no obligation to give anything to their fans in return. And who knows? She was hoping someday she might actually meet someone interesting.
Girls want to be seen as nice. They are raised to be nice. The reason why secretary Marie never firmly refused her boss’ advances is that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. The reason why Patty never straightforwardly voiced her dissatisfaction with Steve’s smoking (her boyfriend of 10 years) was that she wanted to avoid conflict. The reason why many girls in dance clubs say, “Maybe later” when they actually mean, “no” is because they don’t want to sound cruel. At the same time, men are seriously misled by these actions.
Girls want to feel secure. One reason why many girls treasure tall men is because they want to feel physically secure. One reason why beautiful young women go after ugly, old rich men is that they want to feel financially secure. One reason why high school girls fall in love with stereotypical jocks is that they want to feel socially secure; they want to lock themselves in a position of status. The disproportionate amount of women in poor countries who fall in love with rich foreigners is probably due to a subconscious desire for physical, financial, and status security. Sometimes women are even willing to marry people
they don’t love, especially if the man is a good provider, and the women are aging.
Men, on the other hand, are obsessive, optimistic idealists. Traditionally, men have been raised on romance stories and movies, and every time they feel lonely, somebody is sure to advise them, “you need a girlfriend.” Hormone driven, they spend a large portion of their young lives obsessed with female beauty and looking for somebody to fall in love with. They will spend, stalk and spy if they have to.
Their attraction to women is not only physical. It’s psychological; they want a beautiful woman to have faith in them. As children men could always go back to Mom for moral support when the going got rough, and as adults they believe that the perfect relationship will be a shelter from all problems and a support for all goals. As a result, the perfect wife, aside from being beautiful to satisfy physical cravings, is someone to come home to after battling the world. In addition to being pretty, the perfect wife is a “mommy figure,” who will lovingly steer their husband in the right direction, a direction which is good for the man, but too daunting for him to accomplish alone without emotional support from her.
An interesting side note to the “mommy figure” who lovingly steers them in the right direction is that men will love and respect any woman who acts this role, regardless of the relationship- – girlfriend, grandmother, friend, boss, employee, or wife. For example, a beautiful woman who is straightforward with a man during rejection and steers him in the right direction is respected unconditionally. But a beautiful woman who presents mixed signals is considered a “tease” and is disrespected.